How difficult it is to be Istiqamah…

Lately, I have been thinking about my intention actually. The reason on why I have joined a club. Yes, a club which concerned on community service. During my first semester in campus, I was attracted to join a club, by the name of Caring Club in IIUM. Yep, that club has its own attraction, in which it is dealing with kids – either the problematic one or those who has lost their parents. That’s what makes me attracted to join this club, because I love kids, I want to be closer to them. Although I know that I don’t have the skill of dealing with kids, but still I am excited to be around them, to know them more, to know what is their feelings for not being able to have the love from their loved ones – their parents.
And now, with the club, I have the chance to further my intention and make it turns into reality. My first trip, or should I say my first experience with the unlucky kids was at Rumah Kanak-kanak Tengku Budriah, Cheras. If I’m not mistaken, the trip was held in late 2006. For the first time I reached there, I was touched… Touched by the situation in that house, touched by the acceptance of the kids toward us. They were so excited, so happy to see us there, having the time to spend with them, play with them. A little bit about the trip there, we were all divided into three groups, i.e. the groups that will handle babies, toddlers and primary school kids. And I choose to be closer with the babies… =)
First encounter with the babies, I was touched again. I felt like my heart was going to fell down to see the babies as young as 1 week has to be there. In my mind, I was asking, how could on earth, a person has the heart to leave her baby there? Are they could still be considered as human being with their action like that? Leaving their young ones left without the love, the care and the attention of their parents. Before I went too deep into my feelings of anger and frustrated, I quickly pull back myself. I don’t want to judge the person who did that. Who am I to do so? Even me myself, I have my own weaknesses, my own bad in me. Maybe there are some reasons for them to do so, to leave their children at the shelter house. That is why, for me the people like us, who cared for the community and most important, have the courage to help the community, to give love and care for those who in need of it must strengthen our heart and our intention to proceed with the action to help them.
After that, we went there weekly, having the chance to at least teach the kids the basic things like spelling, reading, and so much more. We were having fun, laugh together, and play together as if the kids were our own younger sisters and brothers. The least that we can do is to try to give them as much love and care as possible with the limited time that we have with them. Truly, I have fallen in love with the kids there… =’) And thanks to Caring Club for giving me the chance to do so.
Day by day, month by month I was happy to serve them. But until a period of time, I don’t know why, my spirit of helping the kids, those who is in need has become weaker. I could feel that as if my spirit was fading. Why is this happening? I know that deep down in my heart, I still want to serve the community, but it is as if I have lost my strength of doing so. And sadly, until this day, I still couldn’t recover my spirit. Honestly, the intention is there, still grow stronger like before, but the spirit isn’t strong enough to make me proceed with the action. That is what makes me feel sad actually, because I love kids so much, and I am so much in looking for helping those in need but then again, why I didn’t have the courage to do so?
One day, while browsing some books in the library, I have found this one book on which upon reading it, it makes me sad with my action, with what has happened to me. Let me share with you this one “poem” that has attracted me so much:

It Only Takes a Few

A group of ten cared about kids,
And had an idea that was very fine.
But one was asked to donate money,
And now there are only nine.

Nine caring people,
Thought helping kids would “be great!”
But one was asked to commit some spare time,
And now there are only eight.

Eight thought that a new youth center,
Would be a special gift from heaven.
But one was asked to join a committee,
And now there are only seven.

Seven concerned about juvenile crime,
Wished it was something that they could fix.
But one was asked to spend time with a teen,
And now there are only six.

Six were thankful for the gifts,
They had acquired in their lives.
But when asked about planned giving,
The six soon became five.

Five were frustrated,
Wishing for just a few more.
But one became tired of people living,
And suddenly there are four.

Four people asking themselves,
Will the next one be me?
One asked the question too many times,
Now they are down to three.

With only three remaining,
And so much work to do,
One decides to just give up on kids,
And now there are only two.

But the two that remain are leaders,
And to help kids they will find some more.
They each call up their own best friend,
And suddenly there are four!

Four friends who share a common thought,
Helping kids is great!
They each recruit their own personal banker,
And now their team is eight.

Soon these eight recruit eight more,
And I think you will begin to see,
That the number of people helping kids,
Can start with you and me.

Now you can be like the eight who left,
Or be more like the final two.
But when you make your decision,
Just please remember… It only takes a few.
Dave Krause
~From “Chicken Soup for the Volunteer’s Soul”

Well, I didn’t deny that due to lack of free time, I couldn’t join the activity in community service. But still for me, that is not a valid reason because when there’s a will, there’s a way. In my case, I feel like my “will” is fading, flying away from me. I don’t want to be like those eight who have left the community service because of feeling oppressed or hardship in doing such a nice job. I want to be like the last two, who are still standing with their pure intention of helping kids. Everyday, I am hoping that I can regain my spirit back, my strength in doing community service, not because to show off to others but with the sincere and pure intention of helping the needy and gaining God’s blessing. I always hope that I won’t be too long like this, because I don’t have so much time to just thinking of my own problems, because there is a lot of people out there who is in need for my help, for our help… That is why, sometimes, it is hard to be istiqamah…In my case, I know that there is something that I should do to get back the purity of heart in order for me to keep going in helping the humanity.

Nak atau tak?

Bangun pagi dengan semangat baru hari ni. Yep! Tak sabar nak surfing internet dlm bilik sebenarnya..huhu.. mcm jakun pulak.. =P Well, baru berpeluang subscribe benda alah jalur lebar tu.. Alhamdulillah, ada jgk rezeki eh! Tu yang tak sabar sgt nak test kt bilik ni. Laju atau tak.. Memang tak dinafikan, I can be caegorized in one of those who is stubborn. Yeah! Wanna know why? Em, ada la orang tu cakap, benda2 lebar ni sebenarnya bukannya bagus pun, slow je. Macam tak worth it jugak. But me, with my stubborness, I still wanna go on with my intention to buy it. Nak tak nak kene la that person terima jugak kan?
Well, my first trial started this morning, or should I say last nite? Hemm.. Malam tadi dah cube, ok jugakla.. Boleh tahan ada conection walaupun kadang2 on off.. Huhu.. Puas hati jugak la.Tapi ni baru permulaan, I can't be that satisfied.Lagi pun masih ada org tu yg mtk aku buat istikarah lagi you...To go on with it or not.. Nak ke...tak nak...?Setelah berlalunya mlm yang agak success(ceh,yopo jerk!), ku teruskan misi di pagi hari. Uhu.. After that, the unpleasant story had started... =(
Before going to my class, I had the chance to test the internet. Well, surprisingly this word had appeared: "Internet explorer cannot open the page" Something like that la.. Mule2 ingatkan kejap aje, try lg, tp tak leh jgk. Dah nak dkt 30 minutes melekat kat notebook, baru perasan dah tibe masenye ke kelas.Huhu.. takpe, be +ve ayin. Insyaallah maybe ni kejap je. Balik karang ok la kot. Then, around 12 pm I go back to my room, kebetulan ada benda nak diperlakukan terhadap servis internet ku. (ceh, ayat skemass) Alhamdulillah... Ok jugak la.Walaupun agak lembab dan perlahan, tapi masih boleh digunakan. Kebetulan pi cc td, tutup pulak. So di sini la aku cuba membuktikan jalur lebarku ini "ada kelebihannya..." (mcm iklan Time pulak =P ).
Well, I admit that I'm kinda satisfied with that. But that again ayin, don't be too comfortable coz the worst thing might happen any minute from now. And then again, my instinct was right. Yep...Later that afternoon, the connection has failed... =( I've tried it for about more than 1 hour, but still, it turns me down. After I realized that it is almost 2pm, I have to get ready for my next class. Dan ini bermakna, ku tinggalkan sebentar "gelanggang jalur nipis" dgn hati yang agak kecewa. Dalam hati ni macam dah nekad je, nak hentikan subscribe... Huh! Tengok tu, orang yang tak sabar macam ni la. Baru di timpa kesusahan sikit, dah give up (this is one of the things that I hate about myself, although long time ago "never give up" was used to be my motto, not aji-no-moto k.. =P ). Jangan ikut perangai ni ye anak2! =)
Then later that evening, I has returned back from my class at 5.30pm. With the excitement that is so high in my heart, I reached my room and quickly accessing the net. But, to my dissappointment, the connection is like "chipsmore biscuit". To be honest, it's more worse than the afternoon. I'm tired, I'm mad and already giving up...Mujur ada seseorang yang mengajarku untuk bersabar. Thanks... =)
Later that magrib, things getting better actually. The connection is ok, it didn't turned me down... Ok la jugak, walaupun slow, tapi tak de la sampai berjam2 tak de connection. Wuhuu! Then I had learned that it is ok during the evening and early in the morning, like this period of time.
Thus, the moral of the story is that, never give up and be patience in facing any challenges. Well, I doesn't denied it that up to certain extent, I might get tension but still, I hope I can hang on.
Hemm.. Actually masih ada beberapa hari before sabtu, as trial time for this subscription. Until that, I still hasn't give out my mind yet, either to go on with it, or not...Uhu... What should I do..? Nak atau tak?

Alhamdulillah...

Syukur alhamdulillah.. Praise be to God with the health and wealth that He has given to us. Because of it too i'm still here, being able to breathe today. Yey! Go go chayok ayin! Well, this is my first day writing in this blog. Yeah! My first time ever. I feel excited actually. Hope that I could learn more about it.

Hem... Well, shall I say that today is the perfect day for me huh? Actually, yep! Everything has went up well from the morning until this very time ONLY. Huhu.. I thought this very beautiful weekend will going to be easy and relaxing, but only after I realized that I have left out my homework at my college and only to find out that I need to finish it by tomorrow morning, at 8 am! Oh my God! I have to relax.. Gugu... Takotnye.. Keje Arab pulak tu. Accidentally, yep, another unfortunate event that I only will be going back to my college tomorrow morning, by 6.30 am.. Huu... Sempat ke nak siapkan? Kalau ikutkan hati, nak je balik ptg ni, tapi cian kat mak ayah, suruh blk pg esok je. After all, everything is my fault too.. I forgot to bring back the book home. Hati ni tak tenang je.. Rase nak nangis pun ada. But, in the middle of this problematic situation, someone has turned up and tell me not to worry.. =) Someone who said that everything is going to be okay and the fact that I will have enough time to finish my work after I reach my college tomorrow.. Huhu.. Is that true? nak je aku percaye, tapi... aih.. Always negative eh yin? Ok, try to look it from the bright side. Maybe that person is right, I can finish it out on the time. Huhu.. Hope so! Plus, I hope that homework won.t be so tough, so that I wouldn't face any problem in finishing it tomorrow.

Huhu... So, the moral of the story is that, next time do check your task earlier before it is too late for you to realize it. Haha.. Bak kate my mom, jangan dah nak teberak (ops, sensored plk) baru nak carik lobang.. =P